Exhausting Revelations, Part 1

Self-Sabotage

Last Monday, I was riding high on the blue bird sightings. Each subsequent
day, I felt happier. I would share my blue birds story with multiple folks and
we would laugh.

Then the questions would come- why didn’t I believe this? And the
frustration of not accepting these visions when this is everything I was asking
for? Why me? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Around and around my mind went. My therapist and I talked at length about
it. I realize I’m not used to being seen. I’m not used to things working out
for me. So, to manifest my future and have it be a happy one- well, it is not
something I felt like I could trust.

But then I remember the episode of Parks and Recreation in which Ben spends
one day pretending to be a candidate for office and the second day being
"regular Ben." The idea was for Ben to see how both personas felt for
him, and then he would be able to choose the one that made him happiest.

So, I decided to be like Ben and believe The Universe is working in my
favor.

That was Thursday.

Friday… well, I started to feel physically unsettled. While I was
repeating that I accepted the universe’s sightings and my mind was feeling
better, physically, I felt awful. The food I had planned didn’t taste right. It
didn’t cure any of my cravings—but I couldn’t name what I was craving. I ate
with gluttonous abandonment—all of the Ultra-processed foods you could think
of! Saturday, I snacked so much that I was physically ill.

Why could nothing make me feel full??? I hadn’t felt like this in years.

Saturday night, I was in tears. I kept telling people how I was the happiest
I had been in years. I had manifested a life I love. I received signs of
support from The Universe. And this is when I experience imposter
syndrome!?!??! I try to make things better by leaning into an old coping
mechanism—eating.

Then I had my first significant realization…

I was sabotaging my life because I was happy.

I was physically making myself sick by eating because I was happier and
healthier than I ever had been.

And with that realization, I felt relief. I knew what my problem was, and tomorrow,
I would solve it.

To Be Continued…