What is it?

Anxiety, depression, blah or life?

You know when you are going through something and you are not quite sure what it is so you start grasping at anything and your mind goes in circles? Or is this just what happens if you have anxiety?

I am aware that I saw a sign from the universe and I’m unsure if I should accept it. I realize I am not believing and then I start to self sabotage. Again, I am aware I am doing this, so I think through things to get me back on track… begin to execute and

Nothing. I don’t feel better. If self sabotaging was me jumping into shark infested waters not knowing how to swim…. then this feels like I’m tired, slowly giving up and the sharks are getting closer.

And off my brain goes….

Well, since I’m not better and I think sharks are coming to get me (in this analogy)- does this mean I’m depressed?

Maybe? I don’t know that doesn’t feel right.

If I am depressed what does that mean?

If I accept the presumption that I am depressed- then I know things I can do to get better. That is a huge positive! I’ve done it before, I can do this?

But… I don’t think I’m depressed.

Oh… so what am I?!??!? I begin to make a list.

1- Tired- just tired of the day-to-day routine in my life.

2- Unsure- I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and its freaking me out that in July it has been a year since being laid off and I still have no clue.

3- Sore- My hips may not lie, but they HURT. I cannot even walk without being in pain. Rolling over in bed is scary because I never know where the pain will come from.

4- Blah- I just feel blah. Nothing truly excites me.

The blah is why I first assume depression. When depressed, this feeling comes with me constantly on my phone, ignoring cleaning and laundry. Walks and exercise are suspended while I spend HOURS watching Forensic Files and 48 Hours Investigates.

But I’m not doing those other things. I do my laundry, clean my house, walk my dog, order art for my house and crochet flowers for a project I’m working see —> (And I have a strict time TV policy that limits my crime marathons)

So, if I’m doing these thing- maybe its just the blahs?

And queue the anxiety..

What do I do with the blahs?

How do I feel better?

How do I get better faster?

Is it bad to have the blahs?

Seems it is normal to be a human and just have some blah days?

I’ve been living a similar schedule for months now- it is likely you would feel blah if you aren’t doing anything more than blah things.

I shared with my health coach/friend what I was feeling. She had asked me how I was doing ahead of my monthly appointment and I just told her flat out-

“I’m going through something…not sure what… just taking it easy but second guessing myself. I’m aware of how I’m feeling and that it feels unfamiliar. This is great because then I know to ask for help and to “figure it out” not on my own- but a huge part of me is tired of being so self aware. Tired of having to figure it out. And all the thinking that goes into it.”

She encouraged me to write out my feelings and maybe just sit with them versus trying to act upon them. Be in the messy blah versus trying to figure my way out of it.

So, that is what I’m trying now. But not trying. Because I’m just sitting with it.