Therapy

I started therapy in 2017. (Why I started therapy is a story for another day).

My original therapist retired in April of this year and I had started seeing someone new about that same time. The reason I selected my therapist is she was direct in our first meeting. One of the things I am going to therapy for is to help me become more vulnerable. I have a very hard time trusting people will show up for me- even if they are required- like my parents. At the end of our conversation she looked at me directly and said (obviously this is how I remember it):

“Karen, the relationship between a person and their therapist is built on trust. You have to trust me and be vulnerable or else this will not work. Ultimately, if you are not liking how this is going- you need to say something. Our relationship will be a true test to you learning how to trust and be vulnerable.”

mmm okay then. message received.

Things have been going well- we meet weekly and I talk through what is coming up for me. I share plans and goals that I’ve set for myself- reshare some highlights of my life., etc.. Sharing stories about my life and how far I’ve come has been helpful for me as I work through whatever this is. A good reminder of what I’ve been through and how I took control of my life.

But, two weeks ago I wasn’t feeling that great. I shared some of that here. I was so looking forward to therapy!! Oh to talk about all these feelings and thoughts. The blahs. The nothingness- YAY! Maybe she WILL think I’m bi-polar now because I’m going through something after being in such a great mood for so long. (The thought is always there).

I do some shopping along the way – (this shopping trip makes this whole thing worth it- but a story for another day, soon).

I head to my therapist’s office and check-in. The waiting room is really crowded for once. I take a seat in the far back corner and start playing games on my phone. (I think it’s rude to people watch in your therapists office. Plus my mind starts to really spin stories.). After a few minutes- the receptionist calls me up and informs me my therapist is no longer with the practice. My therapist had shared she was leaving the practice and I was going to transfer with her- but I thought it was happening the following week. The receptionist informs me the practice decided her end date would be earlier.

Seriously!?!?!?! The practice ends the therapist’s employment early and doesn’t tell the clients?!?!

The receptionist did give me my therapist’s contact information and I was able to send an email when I got home. At first I sat and chuckled at the WTFness of the whole scenario. I REALLY needed therapy that day. LIKE REALLY for the first time since I choked on Thanksgiving. (story for another day).

And then I got up. I went for a walk. I meditated. I sat with myself. Then proceeded to have all these plans for next steps in my life. BAM-BAM – one after another (also, that’s my nickname..)

Anyway- the ideas kept coming and I got energized about life.

This translated to an amazing week.

As I was going to bed I was thinking about next week and my upcoming therapy appointment on Thursday. How great this whole story is that I figured out how to turn everything around! I have a plan! So excited!

And then I remembered my first conversation with her. The idea that trust is the most important thing in our relationship. And when I really needed her/therapy- she wasn’t there. It was 100% not her fault. But I needed a person. They did not show up. (What happened is just one of those things that happens when companies do not think of their customers. )

My therapist thought of me. She was relieved when I reached out and asked if I needed anything. I immediately said no, started my new patient paperwork and confirmed my appointment for Thursday.

I did all of this on autopilot.

I needed someone.

I know I needed a therapist.

I know I could call a friend but I really wanted a therapist type person.

The universe stops that from happening (how I’m going to describe it).

I figure out my life plan on my own.

The universe reconnects me.

Therapist offers help.

I say “no thanks”.

I didn’t even think of needing her last week and her not being there.

Does it matter that I didn’t think about it?

In the end- its a great story about me handling my shit. .

I listened to the Universe. Things fell in place.

But when I was in need- the support was not there.

I guess the only thing I can do is going to therapy and talk about it.

Hopefully she will be there too.